Barriers = Ice Tray

Today my mom said that there is a guy who wants to know me... n when i asked why? she said he thought i was a good girl from a good family...

I started laughing.. 'a good girl from a good family'.. who is he or any1 to judge that? Do i really seemed to be a good girl? Well it doesn't matter.. cause nobody can know me the way i do n im nt what i potray...

What is good n bad anyway? Who created the criteria of bad n good?

When we were born, there is this barriers made by our parents, family, school, temples, churches, etc etc n the expect us to grow into it... They form us like how water is formed into ices with different shapes by the ice trays. I think that spoils our personality, our character our own self...

The mid life crisis happens when ppl realize that they grew into smthn that is not what they wanted but into somethn the society wants... n tho it was a lil bit late, they start trying to discoever themselves..

We are born free n free should we be. Life the flowing water... not like the cold hard ices.

I respect those who broke all the barriers and flow like the flowing water... letting themselves be who they really want. Those are the people who will succeed as a person as some1 who would always have their head held high. I envy them smtms :)

I'm on the way there but every few meters there is this dam that stops me flowing n everytime there is a person who breaks it for me... for all those people i am very thankful.

Spread ur wings n fly.. see the world from a distance and you will discover life's colorful... its all bind together and the extremes barely exist :)

RunAway

When everything else seems so heavy to digest, when the shadow of darkness lurked on my evil mind, i run to one safe place where i could be my self and write whatever shit i like.

i used to do this on a piece of paper, but since i discover the world of blogging, i thought: hey y not see what other thinks of what i have in my head?

i think blogs should be equalized as any other journalistic approach. I mean come on! we write articles, stories, things that happened. Some brilliant bloggers use their blogs to report news, or travels or anythings else... how is it different than journalism?

Well it's a thought... the reason i started rambling at the first place is because i could feel my mortal enemy lurking back into my mind and heart... JEALOUSY!

I try to remember when was the first time i ever felt jealous.. n im not talking about 'she stole my bf' kinda jealous, but jealous because i realize or thought that the other person is better than me.

i guess the first person i remember being jealous about is my sister. She seems to have accomplished everything i wanted to do and is so fucking amazing tht i cnt help but to sometimes hate her. Ah well thinking about this makes my heart beat goes faster and i know if i continue analyzing about this i will start feeling low and worth-less.

so moving on, why suddenly today i feel that enemy of mind lurking in my heart again? well for starters somehow i got reminded how the guy i love chose another gal.. oh n what makes it worse, she is fantastic! i cnt even bitch about her if it isnt a lie. well anyways, whats done is done... so i try letting it go.

Then as the devil lurks in facebook.. when i opened my profile i saw something that made me jealous even worse than the fact i mentioned above. I have always loved writing and it has been my passion since i was just a tiny kid. I rem sitting in the first grade writing short stories and sharing it with my bench buddy "wira" who wud also write a short story and share it with me. That was the first time i realized i loved writing... so i kept on writing an writing and writing and kept dreaming of publishing a novel in the future..

Writing is my passion! i didn't follow anyone or even had a role model for it. I just took a pen and started noting down all the imaginations i had.

As i grow up along with stories, i write blogs, poems, little pieces of thoughts and maybe not many people liked it or followed it but tht one person did and encouraged me and i wrote more.

Anyhow.... today some1 came up to me on fb and said 'i read some of ur notes... u write pretty well, u wanna be like ----- ya?" ---- is a friend of ours from the same society who i recalled started writing or created a blog (in friendster at tht time) months after i did!

And perhaps even ---- started writing very young or whatever... but honestly y was i compared to ----

it annoys me! and further more the friend who asked me that continued with '---- writes so good, ---- should publish a book. You too should publish a book together'

perhaps it was my bias towards ---- or maybe i jz didn't like the material that --- keep on discussing, i think --- writings aren't as interesting and i noticed that --- kept on repeating same topics or same core since years ago.

I realized this coz i used to be so interested in reading ----'s notes/blogs and now they dun excite me anymore, it was more like of a 'eeeehhh what's new' feeling..

i take tht as a sign tht i hv evolved and --- hasn't n thus what --- thinks or writes dun match with my thoughts any more coz--- kept circling on the same drain again and again and again..

well i know there is no point of this particular post, so i apologize to those of u who have read it till the end and realized it was a waste of time.

before i end just one more thing... i think the most dangerous vice is jealousy.... man how it plays in my head and leave me restless while the other person is probably sleeping peacefully knowing nothnih

Peace out!

-RandoMind-

Survival of The Fittest

We often find ourselves in a situation where the people we value the most let us down. Or that the 1 person we hv trusted with our heart n soul has betrayed us. N then we wondered how, when did it start? how is it that we didn't see it coming...
Then we curse... We find excuse to blame others, we get hurt, we get angry n lose hope in humanity n friendship.

We often forget that change is unavoidable. We forget that and get attached to the idea of smthn or sm1 and dun let go. N when that particular thing/ person changes... We claim they hv let us down, when infact we let ourselves down in letting ourselves get attached to smthn that keeps on changing.

So what is the hurt we feel, the anger, the betrayal... What do we do with that? Who do we blame?

No1 is to blame, things change n we cnt fight it. We shud be thankful instead on the things that happen to us.

It is at the most threathened position thus then living things know their true potentials.

When we get hurt, let down by others... When everything seems wrong n the world seems to hv crashed on our shoulders... That's when our trueselves are being tested.

In times like that, we still struggle to survive, to come out of it and to learn frm it. That shows strength, courage, bravery, skills, and faith to never give up.

It is nt until we get so hurt tht we know our true strength to survive. It is nt until our being is threathened tht we realize we have so much more in us that we thought.

So dun sulk n find blames when u ever find urself in that position u dun like... Instead dig deep n find ur courage and your one true self...

:)

-RandoMind-

A Moment of Weakness

Ever wonder why when we need them the most, the people we need aren't available?

Ever wonder why the hell still we care about the person who hurt us?

Ever think that we've done alot for a person and been there for him all the time but when we need them the most... they wont hear us? Even if we just need a minute, just to hear his voice...

Ever wonder, when a relationship goes bad, if all we did was just a waste of time and energy?

Ever wonder if anything we do is worth the prize or consequences?

Ever thought of quitting?

Things had gotten though in the past, more than a couple of times but friends and family were always there to push me up again and continue...

Now... now i just wanna quit!!! no more studying, no more hard work...

I need a rest...

I need a reason to continue...

I need to hear ur voice

I need u 2 tell me everything's worthed

I need u to lean on.....

I need u just for a moment of weaknes...

-RandoMind-

Tired

Is it the thought of u that has been bugging me,
or the thought that u left me...

Do i really miss you?,
or i just can't be the one defeated..

Do i still want you,
or it is juz that i can't stand to lose

i'm tired... i need my sleep back
can we stop fighting and just be friends?

-RandoMind-

Waking Up..

why oh why does this heart cry
seems like it can never fly
feeling so heavy,
yet i dunno why

there is an angel at my door
urging me to explore
the world beyond my door
yet i cant find a reason a for

i love you my dear
but oh i fear
my past left me with tear
and your heart i can't hear

what path i take
is what i make
of the future that isn't fake
so give it time to wake

one thing i know
i love u so
so leave me not
coz without u i live not

-RandoMind-

Tainted

I've given my heart to one and no other...

He held it 2 tight he crushed it...

Broken hearts i can endure...

I've surrendered my thoughts to one and no other..

He toyed with my mind like a bouncy ball being tossed...

Mind trickery i can overcome...

I've breath my soul to one and no other...

He sucked all of it out of me...

Losing my soul i lost myself...

In the realm of darkness now i reside...

As the shine of my wings were tainted with his presence...

-RandoMind-

A Beautiful Mind

People with Schizophrenia has two main pathological disorders; delusions and hallucinations. Usually the hallucinations, which can be visual, auditory or even olfactory, come first and then triggered the delusions.

In addition, many of these schizophrenic patients are loners... the odd ones out from their society and community. And very often they are brilliant people with great ideas and superb brains. These characteristics were portrayed in the brilliant matemathician 'John Nash', in the movie 'A beautiful Mind'.

Watching the movie, and seeing patients in the psychiatric department when i had my rotation as a 'co-as', i noticed that the common thing among the schizophrenics and paranoid patients is that they are mostly alone. They have limited interactions with people and most of them don't like interacting with other people.

This made me think... the hallucinations occur to these lonely people because even though they shut themselves out from the world and though they think they are better alone, they still needed someone.

We all, as human; normal human with empathy that is (not psychopaths), always are social beings. Although sometimes our ego deny it, we always need someone, some interactions. And that is why the hallucinations come to these loners... they were incapable to make real contact, but they wanted some1.

The hallucinations are usually of people that they ultimately would like, or some1 that has same characteristics of them. These hallucinations of other people are just chips from their own conscience and thus they get attached to these hallucinations. Although they aren't real, these hallucinations help the patients in their thinking and thoughts.

Brilliant people are mostly crazy... sometimes, literally....

:)

-RandoMind-

If Only

if only life was as simple as writing on a piece of paper with a pencil,
i would erase all the things i regretted and filled the blanks with things i think i shud hv done...

if only love was as simple as playing games,
then it wud just take a second to read the instructions and play my best...

if only the future was as clear as the morning sky,
then it wudnt have been confusing to make choices...

if only everything and every1 has a tag on em showing their value and their minds...
it wud hv been easy to know which,who,what suits me best

if only life was written as a script and given to me to read it...
it wud hv just been a pleasant journey of acting with knowing how it ends

if only love was as simple as drinking tea and throwing the leaves out when i'm done without a second thought..
my heart wudnt ache every time i think of u...

-RandoMind-

Halloween Special

GROSS REALITY TESTING ABILITY IMPAIRMENT

I was walking down the hospital's corridor when I saw him, a little boy sitting
alone on a bench in the waiting room front of the doctor's office. I looked at
the sign, it was child's psychiatry clinic. I smiled. In these years of Clinical
internship I have developed a certain interest in Psychiatry and in children. I
love to hear how a child thinks and how a so called 'crazy' person thinks. They
are both different from us, the routine following normal boring people. I love
the fact that their view of the world is completely different and I love
listening to it.

I didn't have any important schedule that afternoon, so i decided to sit next to
this small boy, perhaps i could get him talking. He was wearing a white polo shirt with knee length blue jeans. He had a baseball cap on and he was looking down, the shadow of his cap made it impossible for me to see his face.

"Hey" I said, taking a seat next to him.

"Hey" he murmured without looking up.

"What's ur name?" I asked. He kept quiet and shook his head.

"Who did you come with?" I asked again, trying another question perhaps he would wanna answer.

"Mommy.." he answered shortly.

"Where is she?"

"Busy" Again another one word answer. He was still not looking up to see who he was talking to.

"Have you come to see the doctor?" I asked, yet again trying to get him to converse. There was something about him that intrigued me. Flashes of bits of memory crossed my head, they weren't clear and i ignored it.

The small boy nodded without a word.

"Do you know why have u come to see the doctor?"

"Cause i'm sick..." he said

"I see..."

"I'm sick in here u see..." He pointed a finger to his temple and looked at me for a second before he stared back at the floor.

I caught a glimpse of his face, my head hurt.. Flashes of memories were now filling up my head. I closed my eyes tight to get rid of them.

"What makes you say that?" for God knows what reason, my mouth blurted out that question without the approval of my brain.

"Mommy said so.." he said. This time his voice was a little bit cheerful, or was it jz my imagination? I could see from the side of his face that a smile was curling up.

The pain in my head was now stabbing at a constant rate to my brain. I pressed my fingertips to each side of my temple and closed my eyes tight again, in hope to get rid of the pain.

Flashes of memories were playing behind my eye lids... I couldn't figure out wat they are, but there was a boy...

"Mommy!" the boy in my memory called out. His voice annoyed me. Stop calling me mommy... I thought.

"Why... urgh.. why did she say that?" I wondered quietly while my eyes were still closed. But the little boy must have heard it coz his voice were filling my ears with his answer.

"I'm a bad boy.. mommy said so. I made mommy cry and scream, I spoil things, Mommy said i was a curse, Mommy said i shouldn't be born. I tried to be a good boy... I don't wanna see mommy cry, but she still does and she screams at me even though i've been quiet and still.."

The pain in my head was radiating... i can't stand it i want it to stop... I want him to stop talking but he continued. My mouth moved as i wanted to stop him but no voice come out.

"But I try... I try to be a good boy. I wan mommy to love me, to hug me..." he said and tapped on my hand calling me. For a moment the pain vanished, i open my eyes and looked at him, he was staring right back at me, there was an eerie smile on his face.

"Why won't mommy hug me? I've been a good boy..." his little lips moved as those words filled my head with its echos.

Flashes filled my brain in red; of a boy crying.. some1 was slapping him... Why is she doing that? The small boy hit the wall behind him and she didn't stop hitting him. He was bleeding, he didn't move anymore, but she was still screaming at him and beating him. Why is she doing that? somebody stop her... y isn't any1 helping the boy?

"Mommy?" That voice again. The boy in front of me was smiling at me and spread his arms out as though he wanted me to hug him. And in a flash of a second he started seizing and fell down the bench. I reached him and held him sideways as we were all thought to handle a seizing patient. He was having a convulsion and his foam started to form in his mouth.

"Somebody help! Diazepam 5 mg STAT!" I shouted. It was after all a psychiatry clinic, they must have emergency medicines like muscle relaxant to calm patients down.

I saw two male nurses walking towards us.

"Quickly!!! this boy is seizing!" i said frantically

As they were approaching, i felt tears run down my face. There were terror, sadness and regrets building up inside me. As they came close i reached out to get the diazepam sup, but the didn't hand it to me. Instead one of them held my hands tightly.

"What are you doing? This boy needs help. I'm a doctor! Just give me the medicine!!" I screamed frantically and kicking the floors as the male nurse tried to pull me up. "Stop this! let me go!" I screamed again.

And at that moment the other nurse had stabbed my thigh with something, and as my consciousness began to blur, i assumed it was a strong tranquilizer.

Everything went black.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As i blinked to adjust my eyes to the bright light, I could hear people talking not far away from where i was.

I realized i was on a bed in a room with white ceilings and walls. It was at day i realized when i saw the sun light entering through a small window at the end of the room. The room seems familiar, it felt familiar. It was one of the joined rooms in the psych ward.

Things seems to not make sense. Why am i on a bed in the psych ward. I tried to move but my body was stiff, or was i still weak from the dose of tranquilizer i was given. I tried to focus until i could hear more clearly.

A woman was talking in a narrative tone.

"Patient Sania, 39 years old, admitted 1 week ago.." she said. She was talking about me. And i realize this was ward round, she was an intern or resident reporting my case.

My case? I don't have a case... I'm not a patient, i'm an intern!! n i'm 23 years old not 39.

"She was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder 15 years ago which started off as post partum depression that wasn't managed well 20 years ago after givi9ng birth to a fatherless baby." She started her report. Next she would tell the live story of the patient. I listen closely. Me? Post partum depression? Can't be, I never gave birth, I'm still an second year intern, i'm only 20 years old not 39. There must be another patient with same name as mine. This must be her case.

"15 years ago, Patient was an intern starting her 3rd year when she was diagnosed after having her 5 years old son accidentally killed. Patient was a single mother, gave birth 20 years ago, when she was 18 in the middle of her second year of medical school and went into post partum depression right after, diagnosed in this hospital 3 months after she gave birth and treated for it with (drug name) and psychotherapy. There was no support system. The father of the baby, her long time lover had bailed and her parents were still dealing with their divorce at that time to focus on her.

"Struggling with medical school and a new born baby, her post partum depression wasn't managed well, which is suspected to have had led to a depressive disorder. 15 years ago, she had beaten her son to death and admitted to the psych ward with pscyhotic symptoms. All the while patient denied she had a child or even killed him. Later, after a series of mental testing, she was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with symptoms of psychosis.

"Patient underwent a series of medication and psychotherapy and two consecutive electro convulsive therapy (ECT). And had been in and out the psych ward since then.

"A week ago, patient had an episode of anger and was harmful to herself and others and was admitted by her family. Patients still undergoes anti depressive and anti psychosis treatment (Dug name and dosage).

"Two days ago patient was found screaming uncontrollably about a boy in the common room and was given a dose of Haloperidol and patient had been under since."

She completed her report...

My head was spinning... Flashes of memory started to fill my head again, The small boy's voice calling "mommy" echoed. The pain was back..

"That was good, but a couple of corrections... when reporting a patient you should do it chronologically, not jumping up and down..." A stronger male voice was saying, he must be the attending teaching the young intern..

His voice went slower as it was drown in a loud shriek... i felt strong arms on mine again and another stab on my thigh.

Y r they sedating me again? It wasn't me screaming..... or was it?

And once again everything was black.

~Fin~

Suffocation

I miss u beyond words

I want you beyond desires

I live in the present but the past makes me thrill

I deny myself but i need u

I content myself but i still want u

The future has no shape... let's shape it together

It seems like my heart has decided 2 slow down

It has decided that without u it has no power

My mind stops

My lungs collapse

The only thing keeping me alive is the thot of having to see u again one day

-RandoMind-