I have trouble sleeping lately, clinically i would say that it is due to lack of activities, lack of the use of brain functions. Yes, perhaps doing nothing bothers me as much as too much to do. My mind is blank, my heart is calm and that makes it harder to get me to sleep. It was as though everything was completed n now at the bridge, i dunno where to go. I felt like being in an equilibrium.
I remembered feeling similar a couple years ago. Where i could detach feelings and emotions from everyday life, where i felt i was at an equilibrium and no desires left to achieve. MAN!!! It's boring!! partying without hard work to proceed it is just not fun... all the high feeling i love being in is stale.
I need to travel, to get out of this place, to meet new ppl, to have new adventures, but there is something stopping me from taking that step and i dunno y.
At 1 am in my bed covered with blanket, trying to talk/chat with people who r still awake, i realized nothing and no1 can ease me from this feeling of calmness,.. I realized the only person i wanna talk about this to is tht one person that showed me the colors of life, even the dark ones... The urges to pick up the phone and dial the number is so strong, but stronger yet is the common sense i was taught. It is 1 am, i hvnt been in contact with this person for a long while, it is the night before Eid, wouldn't it be rude to just call at this odd timing? Not to mention if there was some1 else by their side.
So i decided to ramble here... in hope that if i never get the guts to call, he could read this and understand.
The memories stuck to my brain is hard to erase... perhaps good memories are always fun to cherish, but along with tht they bring stabbing pain to my heart. The pain of knowing tht it's just a memory and may never be the same again. I may never see his face again.
Perhaps he has changed, perhaps i have changed; but something inside me tells me that up to this moment only he could make sense of the equilibrium im experiencing. It's an odd feeling that tells me he is at the same level i am and perhaps even he is searching for me whether he realize it or not.
There is this image of the this one time we were at the same place together. I remember the look in his eyes as he watched me dance. When he saw me looking he caught my eyes and smiled. So many things, so may feelings transfered just by that one look, one smile.
People laughed at my silly 'delusions', as they call it. They laugh at my faith. They tell me he is meaningful to me because i let him be and has nothing to do with fate. I, in return, laugh at their ignorance. Nothing happens by chance... everything is predestined and i, tho having a choice, can't fight destiny.
He was there when i needed guidance, he was there when i try so hard to make sense of what was going on, when i try so hard in trying to see the positive in things. He would laugh at me and tell me that life sucks and i just have to deal with it. He showed me reality and showed me tho it sucks sometimes, its always fun to live in it and come out of it as a winner. I, in exchange, showed him how to dream, how to imagine and let the imagination brings him to places he never been. I showed him to dream until the dream came true.
We were there for each other when we needed each other. But as time pass, i walked forward and he stayed stationed.
Now, i find myself in the same place... it seems like even as i walked forward, i was making just a turn. Or perhaps at every corner of the path we take always lies similar troubles... similar puddles and black holes.
I wondered if i had just made a turn and came back to where i started, or had i moved forward and just met a similar situation but not the same. Then i came to a conclusion that i had walked forward and the place i am in right now, though seems similar, is a different one than the one i was in before. Had it been the same then he would hv been here... as he had stayed stationed, but he isnt, so i knew i had moved forward.
:)
